I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
