true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
