I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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