y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
