Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
