I puked a lego.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
