dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
