She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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