nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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