I met the friendliest cop last night
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
