i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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