if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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