Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize