Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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