You're my little dorito
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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