so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
