Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
