I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It all started with a game of naked twister.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
