the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
