went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
