I hope my margaritas pass through security.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
