Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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