Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
