Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
