I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
