If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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