Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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