She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
