you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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