Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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