what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
