just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
