She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
