How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
