I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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