We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
