my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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