all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
