Small penises have feelings too.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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