I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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