dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
