everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize