I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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