Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
