I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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