I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
