She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
