I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
