Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
