i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
