why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
