I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
