Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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