im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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