He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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