Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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