I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
