It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
