at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
