Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
