I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
