PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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