After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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